"If you haven't had the experience, you do not have a right to judge the process." This thought came to me just two days ago, as I thought about that foregone conclusion better known as "forgiveness."
There was a story last week of Kevin Hart and his new wife's pregnancy announcement. Immediately, our lame media reached out to his ex-wife Torrie Hart to get her reaction, ready to pounce on her and drag her name through the mud, if her response was anything but positive. The truth is she needs to be left alone. Kevin cheated on her and left their marriage for this very woman. She was with Kevin when he was making $50 a night at local comedy club, keeping their home together, and raising his two children. She has more than earned the right to feel some type of way. Whether she reacts positively or negatively towards him, it is her choice, her forgiveness process.
Then there's Mary Harvey, Steve Harvey's second wife (His on wife number three; yet, you'll monkey tails keep buying his relationship books #rollseyes). News broke on last week that she has filed a 60 million civil suit alleging that he kidnapped their son and murdered her soul. Keep in mind that she lost custody of her son due to Steve's vicious slander, was almost jailed, and it is rumored that he engaged in an affair with his current wife, while still married to Mary. Now only the two of them know what truly transpired, but whether she chooses to forgive him or not, her journey, her process.
Many of you know my story; almost 34 years ago this coming August, I was molested, and this event changed the trajectory of my life. I am still affected by it. Now are those who feel that I should move on, or at the very least stop talking about it. How do I know? You change the subject or get quiet when I mention it. Over time, the idea of forgiveness has come up, and honestly, I don't know if I am there. What I know is that it is difficult to forgive when there is no apology, no acknowledgment, or when you continue to suffer long after the other person has moved on, which I would imagine is something very similar to what Torrie Hart and Mary Harvey may be experiencing.
Now any self-help guru worth his or her salt will tell you that ":forgiveness is not about the other person, it is what you need to do to be okay." I call bullshit! Forgiveness is about all parties involved; the burden should not be placed upon the offended party to be the bigger person, and if you subscribe to a religion that teaches you that kind of malarkey, you need to rethink your religion.
Some people forgive within months, for some it may take years, and in all honesty, for some it never occurs. But wherever the offended party is in that journey, allow the individual to have his or her feelings. If you haven't experienced the trauma, keep your well meaning, Bible quoting, psycho babble to yourself. Even if you have experienced the trauma, know that everyone's journey is different and no two people experience or deal with trauma the same.
Listen, show empathy, and learn to be silent, unless you are asked to speak!
Until next time....
That exhortation to forgive is bullshit!
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