I am turning 40 next week, next Wednesday to be exact, and it is messing with me. Age 18, I celebrated because I was finally an adult, 21 because I was a "real adult", 25 because I was still young, 30 because I found my voice, but 40 means I am old.
I have received a myriad of responses. Most of them have been you look good for your age (What is a 40 year old supposed to look like?) Or the standard, "Be glad that you made it to this age." WTF? Look, my best friend died seven years ago at age 32, and I have lost several family members in their 50's, so I know it is a blessing to reach this age, but shut your monkey ass up and let me have my pity party if I want to!
Right now my body is doing crazy stuff. I will spare you the details! I am thinking about all of the energy that I used to have in my 20's! I am thinking about all of the people who were in my life back then, who are either gone through death, or because they royally fucked up, or I fucked up, either way, my social calendar and familial calendar, are not what they used to be, and sometimes that messes with me too!
Years ago, I envisioned my life differently, and so that messes with me. Yes, I am grateful for what I have, the peace, the joy, and some other things, but I just envisioned things a little differently, so allow me to be sad.
I now see why suicide and self-mutilation rates are so high. People reach out to you and tell you how they feel, and you come with some old polyanna, life is great, Jesus freak, bullshit! Let people take agency over their feelings, and if you can't listen, just shut the fuck up!
I am sure over the next week, several weeks, and months, there will be more unsolicited advice, and "suck it up" type responses, and I am telling you'll in advance, "Fuck you, and shut the fuck up"!
I am sure that this will pass, like most things in life, but until it does, support me, or just leave me alone, and as Mama Dee says, "In that order!"
Until next time....
This is so on point! My feelings almost exactly, except being a woman there are a whole bunch of "other body, outta body, is that a body" type things going on. *Ugh* So, yes, turning 40 made me turn towards the years that led me to this enormous threshold of emotions that have caused me to get stuck in its quicksand. I dreamed of 40 as some magical place of achievement; a place of entitlement and, well 'youngster retirement' but shamefully, it was none of that. It tormented me because you're really not old, and not young... you're just there waiting for joy, gladness or something overly positive to happen, but sadness showed up with my joy in one hand, and happiness in the other. I inturn walked away with nothing more than two numeric symbols of time that represented my footprints in this vast existence.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. This was beautifully written, and I absolutely agree.
This is so on point! My feelings almost exactly, except being a woman there are a whole bunch of "other body, outta body, is that a body" type things going on. *Ugh* So, yes, turning 40 made me turn towards the years that led me to this enormous threshold of emotions that have caused me to get stuck in its quicksand. I dreamed of 40 as some magical place of achievement; a place of entitlement and, well 'youngster retirement' but shamefully, it was none of that. It tormented me because you're really not old, and not young... you're just there waiting for joy, gladness or something overly positive to happen, but sadness showed up with my joy in one hand, and happiness in the other. I inturn walked away with nothing more than two numeric symbols of time that represented my footprints in this vast existence.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. This was beautifully written, and I absolutely agree.