No Apologies: Living, Loving, and Letting Go

As you all know, next year is the big 40 for me! Out of the birthdays that I have had over my lifetime, this is the one that I least look forward to. There is something about 40 being old and the end of one's youth. However, rather than meeting the birthday with negativity and trepidation, I decided to write my memoir. I have had an interesting life, if I do say so myself. Coming up with a title was a difficult process and actually getting started was even harder, but I finally did tonight, or at least I wrote the prologue, which is the story of my first suicide attempt at age 14. I decided to share with you all, and will definitely keep you in the loop, as I begin this very formidable journey.

Prologue

            I was sprawled on my grandmother’s bathroom floor. About two hours earlier, I had taken my mother’s psychotropic medication, Lithium. I lost count after about forty. I just wanted to end things. I had an elaborate plan. I would write a suicide now, saying I was sorry, create a sad tale of woe to explain why this suicide attempt was necessary,  take enough pills to end my life, and hopefully die in my sleep.

            But my planned failed, and now I was on my grandmother’s bathroom floor, where just most moments before had emptied my stomach contents into our toilet. I can’t remember if I had cleaned the toilet or myself. The urgency and the violent vomiting, rendered me weak and disoriented. It took me more than a few moments to even figure out where I was. My head was spinning, throat parched, my pajamas wet and clammy from the profuse sweating. In that moment, all I could think about was my family. My grandmother had a heart condition, and had a pacemaker inserted three years before, and it would kill her to find me like this. My mother had  no patience for this kind of foolishness, so it would make her angry, and my sister was just seven at the time, so all that I would do if she found me, would be traumatize her. I had to get up!

            I gripped the side of the toilet, while I steadied one knee. Despite my weakened status and frail body, my legs had always been strong with big vibrant calves. Once I steadied myself on one leg, I was able to pull myself up and force myself upright. It was a very short walk to my bedroom, as it was the one closest to the bathroom.

           

            When I arrived back in my bedroom, I found that suicide note on my dresser next to my bed. My plan was that whoever found me could read the note and understand what had happened. I had already placed the pill bottle back inside the medicine cabinet, which was right outside my bedroom, which was right off from the kitchen. I immediately tore the note into pieces too small for it to be decipherable, placed it in the trashcan, and made the short walk back to my bedroom. My head was spinning, and I was weaker than I could ever remember being in my life. I collapsed on top of bed covers, and the world went black.

I Don't Give A Damn About Bill Cosby's or The Cosby Show's Legacies!

Ebony Magazine for their November cover issue, created a shocking image. It has an old cast photo of Bill Cosby and his television family, but the pictures is one, which mimics broken glass, which suggests that the Cosby Show legacy is destroyed.

The Black Respectability Police (You know that collective group of Negroes who make it their life's mission to tell other black people what to do constantly (rolls eyes) lost their collective minds. The Bill Cosby supporters were not too far behind.

I get it. You love the Cosby Show. I did too. I have been known to watch marathons of old reruns.
But while we were guffawing at Bill's corny jokes and pretending/wishing that he was our daddy, he was raping women.

For those of you who say what about all of the actors /actresses who received their big breaks into the entertainment sector from being on the Cosby Show? Guess what? He raped some of them too, and used his position and the promise to "further their careers, or stop them" to do so.

For those of you who say what about all of the HBCU's he helped with his donations? Guess what? He raped some of those women too (Google the story about the Temple employee, who he drugged by using his relationship with the university.).

For those of you who say what about the other actors/actresses who are missing royalty checks because most networks won't air the show anymore? Like his wife, Camille, Phylicia Rashad and Keishia Knight-Pulliam vilified his accusers and helped to open them up to unfair public scrutiny, so if they are hit in their pockets too, well, that is called Karma, and I will not shed any tears or lose any sleep.

For those of you who say support him because he is a black man. Let me remind you of Bill Cosby's, You Negroes Ain't Shit tour of 2004, where he ridiculed you for giving your kids ghetto names, told you that you couldn't speak English properly, to pull up your pants, while he was raping women (His huge civil case from 2005, was filed by a woman he raped in 2004, and the lone person who has sued him for his disgusting behavior). Yes, you read that correctly. While Bill Cosby was ridiculing the black community for their behavior, telling you how to make yourselves more socially acceptable, he was raping women.

So although the Cosby Show was a decent show, It is not the only show, and it is certainly not the most important issue for the black community. There are far greater issues on which to focus than a fictitious show' s legacy and a man who probably wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.

What about your own personal legacies? That is what you should be more concerned about!

Until next time....

Get A Divorce People!

No, I am not advocating divorce. With the divorce rate at over 60%, I don't really think that there is any advocating to be done.The numbers speak for themselves.

The shocking and devastating situation with Lamar Odom this week really got me to thinking. I honestly thought that he and Khloe Kardashian were divorced. Honestly, I try to avoid anything Kardashian related, but I thought that since they both had moved on with other people, that they had ended things legally and officially,

This got me to thinking about a disturbing trend. I have countless friends, who have been separated numerous years, so long that they have moved on and are in serious relationships with other people. I am talking about serious to the point of pledging love and buying engagement rings and the like and still are very much married, at least legally, to someone else.

You do realize that as long as you are legally married to that individual, who probably hates your guts, they can make in and all important decisions if you God forbid, fall deathly ill or need life saving measures? This means in front of your mother, children, or people who actually love/like your monkey tail.

One thing that I know, if God forbid something should happen to me, I know and trust that my mother would make the right decisions on my behalf. It would be difficult, painful, even tragic, but I know that she loves me enough, knows me well enough, that should would make the right decision.

If you have moved on, if you are so in love with your current significant other, hate the other person's guts, then end it. No amount of money, disagreement, or any of those other trivial matters, which cause people to be "separated" for years, are worth allowing another individual, who doesn't even like you anymore, to have that amount of power over your life.

Because think about Lamar Odom. That person could be a Kardashian, or someone like them.

Until next time....

I Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now: Birthday Edition

I was born on this date, some 39 years ago, to a 17 year old high school senior, and to a 19 year old smooth talker, who decided that parenthood was not for him. I honestly don't know when he first saw me, but my first memory of him was at almost nine years old, on one hot summer day in 1985. I wouldn't see him again until 1995, as a second semester college freshman...but enough about him, as this is my day.

I grew up dirt poor in Sampson County with my maternal grandmother, who quit school in seventh grade to take care of her ailing father, and a mother who had barely finished high school due to my traumatic birth, and spending so much time out of school. Despite these overwhelming odds, they both stressed to me the importance of education, and I was able to not only attend college, I successfully obtained my degree, and returned two years later for a Master's.

In these first 39 years, I have been molested, attempted suicide twice, battled depression, lost my grandmother, loved and lost after nine years, and lost my best friend over 20 years about six years ago, financial ups and downs, and job changes. Through it all, I am reminded of the title of one of the late great Maya Angelou's books, "Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now."

Through so much pain, I have survived and now I am whole again. I will not be people pleasing anymore. I will not be fighting to keep people in my life who do not want to be there. I will learn to say no more. I will not hold grudges. I will speak my truth.

I am ready for the next 39 years, I vow to myself and to all those who know me, there will be a new me. My physical being hopefully will ebb and flow due to the natural aging process, but my mental, my spiritual, and my emotional will be new.

I hope that you are ready and if you are not, it was nice knowing you!

Until next time....

Vanessa Williams and How God Will Make Your Enemies Your Footstool

I can remember the moment in 1983 when Vanessa Williams was crowned as the first black Miss America. She was 20, and I was seven, and I didn't understand what all of the hoopla was about. I just knew she was pretty and had funny colored eyes, and that was enough for me.

I also remember months later seeing on the news that she had been stripped of her title. Years later when I was older, I learned that it was because she had soft porn pics in an adult magazine. Apparently, even though the pics were for a private photographer, who did not have permission to publish them elsewhere, and even though these were done long before her crowning as Miss America, there was the small snippet in her contract that read, that she endeavored not to bring shame or do anything to reflect badly upon the organization.

In other words, no matter how beautiful, capable, or accomplished she was, they didn't want her representing America, so she had to go.

Fast forward 32 years, and on the same stage were she received her crown, Ms. Williams was issued a public apology. In true class and  in dignified  fashion, Ms. Williams just shrugged it off, as if it was no big deal

In the years following what was supposed to be the biggest, most heartbreaking scandal of her life, she truly made lemons out of lemonade. She raised four wonderful female humans, found love, lost it, found love, lost, and found it again! She built a successful music and acting career.

The very people who did her wrong so many years ago, had to grovel to her, amid her success!

I am reminded of so many pitfalls in my own life where I have lost, been sabotaged, and unfairly treated, that sitting still, moving on, and letting God work, are the best things to do.

We can all take a page from Ms. Vanessa Williams' book. Let's just hope it doesn't take 32 years!

Until next time....

James Blake and His Come to Jesus Moment

If you have been following the news, the latest victim of America's out of control police, was former tennis star, James Blake. Mr. Blake was standing outside of NY hotel when he was tackled by NYPD because he resembled a suspect from an open investigation. The ironic thing is this "open case" was not a murder, robbery, stabbing, shooting, no, it was the white collar crime of identity theft.

I called this his "come to Jesus moment." In reality, I don't know Mr. Blake's religious affiliation,  nor do I care, and this doesn't have anything to do with Jesus. Sometimes new Negroes and black celebrities, which sometimes can be one in the same, need to be reminded that they are black.

You see every day when I am on social media, there is some "new black" (black folks who are so educated, have so much money, have a certain number of white friends, that they believe that they are white by association) or some low key racist white person (you know the ones who always quote MLK to quell black anger, try to tell black people who to vote for, love the Confederate flag, and who have a few token black friends, so they can't be racist (insert eyeroll), think they are being deep by quoting the latest crime statistics on black on black crime, or publishing memes of blacks at their worst, with sermon type commentary of how blacks need to do better, which we refer to as respectability politics. Respectability politics is the belief that if you speak correct English, do not have gold teeth, have dual degrees, drive a nice car, don't live in the hood, don't sag your pants, have a clean criminal record, etc.etc.etc. that you are somehow immune to white supremacy, racism, and you will be treated fairly by cops and those in position of authority, and if you are guilty of any of these grave sins and are murdered by cops or civilians alike, well, it is okay because black folks kill each other, so we should be more concerned about that.

So this is why although I hate that Mr. Blake had that experience, there is a small part of me that is glad that it happened. Close your mouth in disgust and shock! Sometimes it takes things like this happening to the so called "respectable Negroes" for people to pay attention to what I and others more distinguished than me have been trying to tell you'll for years. Our country has a serious problem with race! Electing President Obama twice did not cure it! Neither did it magically disappear after your ancestors murdered Dr. King (You can stop quoting him now!).

So the question now becomes, what are we going to do about it? Quoting Dr. King, electing a black president, having friends of other races, and posting "deep memes" haven't worked! Because I don't know about you, but I am tired of black mothers burying their children, and their murderers getting GoFundme fundraisers, media interviews, and book deals, as opposed to life in prison and/or a needle in their arms.

Until next time.....

What Most of You Got Wrong About Kim Davis

"And Jesus said unto them, "Render unto Caesar those things that are Caesar's and unto God those things that are God's, and they marvelled at him." Mark 12:17.

I guess in most Christians' haste to jump on a religious bandwagon, especially in their ever tiring crusade against gay people (rolls eyes), they just conveniently skipped over this scripture.

Let me explain to those of you, who are slow and so caught up in your righteous indignation. It means that you most follow both the laws of the land and God's laws. It did not say that you could pick or choose either. You must follow BOTH! I placed that in capital letters because some of you seem to forget that you haven't ascended to Heaven yet, and you are still a mere mortal bound by the laws of the land.

Most of you have jumped on the bandwagon of supporting Kim Davis, because that is the good Christian thing to do. She is a Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. If you had conducted research on her background, rather than jumping on a bandwagon, you would know this Bible thumping troll has been married three times herself. (Divorce is against God's law, except for adultery, FYI), she has an illegitimate child by a married man, and not only did she refuse to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, but she refused several heterosexual couples who did not meet her standards either...now how stupid do you feel for jumping on this bandwagon?

Kim Davis is an elected official, who has sworn an oath to not only uphold the Constitution, but local and state laws where she holds her position. She could have easily resigned. Government officials do it all of the time, usually amid scandal, but she actually had the opportunity to exit gracefully. But no, in drama queen and true troll fashion she had to refuse to obey the law, pretend to be religiously persecuted. So now we as a public have to be subjected to the Lifetime movie, the book deal, the media interviews, and all of the drama behind her pseudo religious crusade.

Let me tell you modern Christians something. God is bigger, more knowledgeable, richer, more powerful than you, so I don't think that he needs for you to fight his battles.

Let me tell you what he does need. For you to be a little less hypocritical. This means focus on the sins that you are committing rather than constantly thumping your chests and your Bible against your fellow man. Stop asking him for more stuff for your greedy selves. Instead pray for your fellow man who is less fortunate. Above all, represent him through your daily life through your 24/7 good deeds, and not only when folks are watching you.


Maybe then people will respect you more, your religious beliefs, and actually believe in the God, who you say that you represent!

Until next time.....